Beggar In The Morning
by Saiya-jin girl
Summary: Emmanuel has strange dreams. He dreams of blood, lots of it, brilliant flashes of hot white light, and of course, a beautiful smile that doesn't belong to anyone he knows. His wife Daphne assures him that these dreams mean nothing but Emmanuel knows otherwise. My version of the car ride and the conversation between Dean and Cas in the episode 'Reading Is Fundamental'.


_she said, hello I'm a monster too, what poison's me is what posisons you._  
_into these animals we grew. but when we were young our eyes were blue. _

_oh I want an angel to wipe my tears._  
_know my dreams, my hopes, desires and fears. _

_I'm a beggar in the morning._  
_I'm a king at night. _

* * *

If Dean Winchester was not Dean Winchester, he's 100% sure he would have passed out when he saw **_Emmanuel_**. And because Dean Winchester **_was_** Dean Winchester, he really wanted to punch Emmanuel in the face when he saw _Daphne_.

"So, Daphne?" Dean asked awkwardly, an hour later as they drove to the Hospital where Sam was staying.

Castiel looked over at him, his eyes just as blue as Dean had remembered. _Fuck, _Dean thought. _It's_ _not Castiel, it's Emmanuel, _he scolded himself.

Castiel smiled softly, remembering something, most likely.

Dean's eyes lingered on Castiel's face in the rearview mirror.

"You should probably pay attention to the road, Dean," Castiel scolded gently.

Dean's eyes floated back to the road. _Well, at least he's still an annoying little shit, dweeb, geek angel, _he mused.

"There's something about you that's so familiar," Castiel said.

Dean chuckled. "I just have one of those faces," he replied tersely.

"You were asking about Daphne," Castiel said.

Dean clenched his jaw. "Yeah, how did you meet her?" he asked. He held on tightly to the steering wheel.

Castiel's eyes lingered on Dean's white knuckles for a moment before launching into his tale. "Are you sure you want to know that? It might make you uncomfortable," he said.

Dean shrugged. "I can take uncomfortable," he said, keeping his eyes locked on the road. He found that he was getting angrier by the second. The more he thought about the entire situation, the more he just wanted to pull over and punch Cas in the face.

"Daphne found me a couple months ago. She was out hiking and…I was just there, soaking wet…unclothed. She took me in and nursed me back to health. She's a kind woman."

"So you have…absolutely no memory of what your life was like before?" Dean asked. He knew this was the part where he should have softened and perhaps felt sorry for Cas but all he felt was anger.

"No. Though, sometimes I have…strange dreams, but…Daphne says it's nothing to worry about," he said.

_Dreams, this should be interesting_¸ Dean mused. "What kind of dreams?" Dean asked.

Castiel frowned. "Strange ones, lots of blood, lots of…white lights…flashes of someone's smile…I wish I could figure out who it is," he said sadly.

Dean's heart hammered wildly in his chest. Perhaps there was some part of Cas' brain that remembered it all. That remembered all the shit that they had been through. That remembered…him. Dean slowed down as they approached a red light and they sat quietly and waited for the light to go back from red to green.

"You're angry," Cas said quietly.

Dean looked over at him and studied his face. This man's face, no, not a man, this _angel_, who had caused him to spiral down into a mess of a man, who had caused him to drink himself to sleep on far too many nights, who had him carrying around a stupid bloody trench coat in the trunk of his car like it was an extra limb, who he had dreamt about over and over, replaying their last moments together wishing that it could have been different, was sitting here, in his car, as though it were the most natural thing in the world. Dean was angry. He was pissed off. He wanted to break something, preferably Cas' face. He wanted to hit him and hate him for what he did to Sammy, for sucking up all of those souls from purgatory, for unleashing the fucking Leviathans on the Earth, but Dean found that when he stared into Cas' eyes for too long, some of the anger and the hate and the mess inside of him had started to chip away. He felt tears sting at his eyes and he turned his attention back to the road.

"I'm always angry," Dean said in a low voice.

"Talk to me," Cas said.

"No," Dean countered.

"Dean, if you don't pull over now I'm going to jump out of this car and go home," he threatened.

Dean looked over at Cas and sighed. He angrily pulled the car over to the side of the road and cut the engine. "Well?" he asked.

"You're obviously upset, and I know you want me to help your brother but…I can help you too," Castiel said.

Dean was fuming. "You can't help me, no one can," he said.

"Sometimes, it's better when you talk about things," Castiel said.

"What do you want me to say? Yes, I'm angry, I've been angry all my life. I've been…pushed and shoved into this life, all this shit, and after all these years and you know what? It's doesn't get better, it gets worse. And just when I thought…just when I thought I had…met someone, met someone special? Someone I could count on…he turns around and stabs me in the back. So yeah, you can say that I'm angry. I'm fucking pissed."

Castiel studied Dean's face. He could almost feel the anger radiating in waves off the man's tense body. He had the sudden urge to reach forward and touch this strange man's face, his skin. He just wanted to know what it would feel like beneath his fingertips. Castiel reached forward and allowed his fingertips to gently graze Dean's skin.

Dean froze as he felt Cas' fingers on his face. It was so strange, so personal; he felt his heart skip a beat as Cas leaned closer to him.

"All that anger," Cas whispered. "It's burning you up on the inside, eating at you, clawing at you. You'll rip yourself to shreds," he said.

Dean licked his lips and Castiel's hand dropped limply into his lap. "I'm sorry," Castiel said.

They sat quietly for a few moments.

"What did he do?" Castiel asked, eventually.

Dean looked down at his hands and sighed. "He lied to me," Dean said in a hoarse voice.

"People make mistakes," Castiel said.

"He wasn't a person. He was…" Dean looked out the window and felt tears burn at his eyes as he remembered the image of Castiel's body sinking into the reservoir.

"It's okay, Dean," Castiel said quietly. He reached over and gripped Dean's shoulder.

Dean slowly turned his head to face Castiel and looked at the hand on his shoulder. Was this what it had looked like when Castiel had touched him the first time? When he had pulled him out of hell?

"What would you do?" Dean asked.

"What would I do about what?" Castiel asked.

"If you…were betrayed by someone who…who you trusted?" Dean asked, finally letting go of all pretense. He realized then and there that above all things, above being angry and pissed off and sick of everything he was so very…_tired_. He was tired of constantly defending himself, of hiding behind the gigantic walls he put up around himself; he was tired of keeping them so high.

Castiel pondered this question for a moment; his blue eyes seemed far away. "I would…I would forgive. Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal and expecting someone else to get burned," he said stoically.

Dean chuckled and felt his first real smile bloom on his face in Cas' presence.

Castiel, quite suddenly, cocked his head to the side as he studied Dean's face. He let go of Dean's shoulder, an alarmed expression on his face. "It's you," he said.

Dean frowned. "What?"

"You're the one. The smile, that I keep seeing in my dreams…it's you," Castiel said. He quickly scrambled at his seat belt and opened the door. He jumped out of the car and slammed the door.

Dean hopped out of the driver's seat and closed the door. He walked over to Castiel who was standing with his head in his hands.

"Emmanuel?" Dean asked carefully.

A painful expression passed across Castiel's face and he doubled over in agony.

Dean raced forward but Castiel waved him away.

"Stay away!" he shouted.

Dean watched helplessly as Castiel moaned and dug his fingers into his skull. He eventually dropped to his knees and he began to weep softly.

Dean felt something flutter in his chest. He could not put a finger on what it was…fear? Hope? He licked his lips and slowly advanced towards Castiel. "Cas?" he asked softly.

Castiel's eyes flew open and he turned to look at Dean.

Dean dropped to his knees and gripped Castiel's shoulder tightly. He shook him lightly. "Cas, is that you?" he asked gruffly.

Castiel looked into Dean's eyes and then he nodded slowly. "Dean," he said softly. A small smile formed on Castiel's lips and the little crinkles at the corners of his eyes showed.

Before Dean realized what he was doing, he leaned forward and planted a kiss squarely on the fallen angel's lips. Dean could taste the salt on Castiel's lips from his tears mingled in with his own. He pulled Cas closer to him, drinking in his smell, and the feel of his body against his.

Castiel, shocked, kissed Dean back, hungrily. It was as though a dam had broken in his mind and everything had quite suddenly flowed back in. His mind was swimming with images from eras long gone, but there was one thing he could see as clear as day and that was the face of Dean Winchester. Castiel slowly pulled away from Dean. He reached his hands up and gently took hold of Dean's face and pressed his forehead against Dean's. He closed his eyes and smiled.

"Dean," he said again, softer this time.

Dean pulled back and looked at Cas.

"I'm so sorry Dean," he whispered.

Dean shook his head. "Hot coals," he said softly.

"What I did, it is unforgivable," Castiel said.

"Let me be the judge of that," Dean said. Dean reached over and wiped a tear from Castiel's face.

Castiel blinked and several more tears leaked out of his eyes. He looked up into the sky. "I don't deserve this, I don't deserve to live, not after what I've done," he said.

Dean frowned. "Maybe that's why you're here. To fix it," he said.

"Why did you kiss me?" Castiel asked.

Dean was taken aback. Why _did _he kiss him? Dean shrugged. "It just felt like the right thing to do at the time," he said with a small smile.

"Dean Winchester, you constantly amaze me. And I constantly fail you," Castiel said, looking down.

Dean took Castiel's hands in his. "We all fail, we just gotta get up, and kick ass the next time around. This work that we do, we don't get thanked, and shit is always fucked up, but we can't stay on the ground forever, at some point, we have to get up, and slap a smile on our faces, and keep going," Dean said.

Castiel's eyes filled with tears once more.

"What if I can't fix it?" he asked softly.

"That's the thing. This whole thing, it's one big what if," Dean said.

"How can you even talk to me right now after what I did?" Castiel asked.

"I don't know, Cas. I've spent all this time…being angry, at you for everything. I kept thinking that I could have done things differently, and I could have…saved everyone," Dean said.

"You're not responsible for me," Castiel said softly. He looked up at Dean.

Dean reached forward and plucked an eyelash from Castiel's cheek. "You wanna make a wish?" he asked, offering the lash on the pad of his index finger.

Castiel smiled and shook his head. "No, you make it," he said.

Dean closed his eyes for a few moments and blew on the lash. When he opened his eyes, Castiel was staring at him. Dean leaned forward and kissed Castiel once more.

"What did you wish for?" Castiel asked.

"I can't tell you," Dean said with a small grin.

"That's rude."

"You're rude," Dean snapped back playfully.

"We should probably get off the side of the road now," Castiel said.

They both rose up and dusted their pants off. Castiel reached up and ran his fingers through Dean's hair and Dean watched Cas, amused.

"Your hair is softer than I thought it would be," he remarked.

Dean rolled his eyes. "I use conditioner, you know," he said.

"Dean, I don't know if I can heal Sam," he said.

"Why not?" Dean asked.

Cas shrugged. "I'll have to see when I get there," he said.

"Well then, let's go," Dean said.

Dean walked around to the other side of the car.

"Dean?" Castiel said.

Dean looked up, his hand resting on the door handle.

"Thank you," Castiel said softly.

"For what?" Dean asked.

"For dropping the coals," Castiel said.

Dean looked down and then looked back up at Cas. "Yeah," he said softly. He opened the door and hopped into his seat.

Castiel remained outside for a few moments, looking up into the sky. He hoped that whatever Dean had wished for would come true. Little did he know that as soon as he got into the car, Dean smiled a small smile, and took off as his wish came true.

* * *

**A/N:** A little cheesy, I know, but this is my first Destiel fic so be gentle :D

Repost from AO3.


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